you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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