I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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