well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
