Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize