I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
