Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
