dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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