i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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