I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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