Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i love accidental penises.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
