Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
