I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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