Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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