I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just cut my nipple shaving
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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