Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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