When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
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