He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Found your dick twin last night
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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