is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
