RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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