Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
