before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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