so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
