I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
