ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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