Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
