Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
