i don't plan on having that self control this summer
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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