so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
