Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I need moral support for this bender
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
