i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
