marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
