Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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