I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
