How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
