ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
