Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
