while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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