I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
