I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
