Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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