Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
