I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I am one with the molecules
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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