Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
