I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize