Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
i think i just lost a toe
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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