**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
