The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
