chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
