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mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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