The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
