When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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