When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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