dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
