I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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