I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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