I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
