I can tuck mytits in my pants
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize