i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
