If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
