I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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