She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He passed out mid-signature
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize